Lost Boys
by SixStringCoffeeBean
Summary: A late night conversation between Levi and Eren takes a strange turn when Eren inadvertently brings up the topic of Levi's mother and his childhood. He ends up finding out more than he ever asked or expected. (A one-shot told in flashbacks, angst and fluff, ereri.)


So after I got officially wrecked(!) by the end of season three, I knew I needed to write for Levi and Kuchel. I also decided that I wanted the format to be Levi talking to a romantic partner about her. Obviously ereri is the only Levi pairing that will do… so this happened. I took a couple of creative liberties - for example, I didn't include Kuchel's first name, because I'm not even 100% sure that Levi knows it, and he's the narrator of the flashbacks. It doesn't seem like Kenny talked about her much. I also decided on a cause of death for Kuchel - I went with Hepatitis B. It's heavily implied that she died of an STD, and I'm not sure if HIV exists in the AoT universe (it seems doubtful, because it would spread too quickly in a space as enclosed as the walls and exterminate pretty much everyone). One of the few other STDs that has any likelihood of being fatal is Hepatitis B. We have a vaccine for it now, but it's unlikely they would in the Underground City. (If you haven't read my shit before, I over-research. It's kind of my thing.)

Musical inspiration was Never Saw Blue by Shawn Colvin and Eric's Song by Vienna Teng.

Btw, SasuNaru was supposed to be the first yaoi pairing I ever published. Oops. I'm sorryyyy SasuNaru, it's nothing personal! I will write for you soon! Pinky promise.

* * *

"Levi, _scoot!_ "

"' _Scoot?_ ' Really? You do realize I'm still your Captain, right?" Levi whispered, turning his head over his shoulder to face Eren. Though he couldn't see much more than shapes in the darkness of the cabin, he thought he could almost make out the glimmer of mischief in his boyfriend's eyes.

"Ugh, don't pull rank. That's _so_ unromantic. Besides, what was I supposed to do, let you take up three quarters of the bunk and try to fall asleep curled up on the six inches that was left?"

Levi snorted, but he gave in and moved a few inches closer to the wall. With a sigh of relief, Eren stretched out his long legs and repositioned his head on their shared pillow.

"You'd think you'd never had to share a bed with anyone before," he muttered.

"I don't _have_ to share one now."

Eren had to concede that Levi had a point. The room they had requisitioned for themselves came set up with two twin-size beds. Though one of the beds remained cold and abandoned - as they knew it would - the fact that there was an extra had made things a lot easier where the rest of the squad was concerned. Their fledgling relationship wasn't exactly common knowledge yet. Though some may have had their suspicions, the only person who knew definitively was Hange, who had found out by accident when she stumbled into the briefing room late one night and found Levi asleep on Eren's shoulder.

So far, she had been a better secret keeper than Eren would have expected, given her personality.

"When _was_ the last time you shared a bed with someone?" Eren asked suddenly, allowing his curiosity to get the better of him.

Levi turned over, this time all the way.

"That's a little personal, don't you think?"

"I was just curious. Come on, I'm not going to judge you. You don't even have to tell me who if you don't want to."

A moment of silence passed between them.

"No, it's nothing like that," Levi finally said. "I guess you could say it's personal for a different reason."

"Well, now that you're being _this_ mysterious, I guess I have to know."

Levi laughed quietly.

"If anything, the answer is probably going to disappoint you: it was my mother."

Eren didn't say anything immediately - sure enough, that wasn't the answer he had been expecting.

"See?" Levi said. "I told you that you'd be disappointed."

"No, I'm not disappointed," Eren replied. "I'm interested. I've never heard you talk about your mother before."

"That's not a very big surprise," Levi replied. "I never have."

"Not with anybody?"

"Not with anybody."

"Tell _me_ about her then, Levi," Eren begged.

He realized that his voice was no longer a whisper, but the need to hear something true and deep and personal from the man he was coming to love - the need to finally be let _in_ \- had surpassed his desire to keep it secret that they were still up talking so late into the night.

"There's nothing to tell, Eren."

"I don't believe that," his partner insisted. "She was your mom. How can you never talk about her to anyone? Is she still alive, at least?"

"No," Levi replied. "Not for nearly thirty years."

"Then… you must have been so young when it happened. Whatever it was."

"Yes. Maybe that's why I don't talk about her. We only had a few years together; there's not much to tell."

"The way you say that makes me think there's _a lot_ to tell."

Rolling over on his back, Levi groaned.

"Yeager, you have your half of the bed, fair and square… go to sleep."

It almost seemed for a moment as though Eren intended to acquiesce. In reality, he was baiting his last hook.

"What did she smell like, Levi?" he asked idly, almost as though he were asking about the weather.

"...excuse me?"

Levi turned to face Eren, his eyes wide in disbelief. The latter, however, went on unperturbed.

"When I think about _my_ mother, the things I remember the most about her were things like that. Not so much what she said or wore or even _did_ , but the way she always smelled like flour and cookies and the lemon-scented cleaner she used on the kitchen counters. So I just wondered… do you have memories like that?"

"If I did... they wouldn't include fresh-baked cookies."

It seemed like Levi was going to leave off with that, but after a moment of silence, his voice picked up again - this time, with a softer tone.

"She actually smelled like roses. I think it was the perfume she always sprayed on her hair and the insides of her wrists. I remember that I used to like to hold hands with her, because it made my hands smell like that, too."

* * *

" _I know you're still sleepy, sweetie, but it's time to wake up."_

 _The little boy rolled over to face his mother, who sat on the side of the bed. In the low light of their room, he could just barely make out her movements as she took curlers out of her hair._

 _He blinked as his eyes adjusted to the candlelight._

" _It's still nighttime, mama," he complained._

 _It wasn't a lack of sunlight that aroused his suspicion; they never got much of that in the Underground City regardless. However, he still could hear the chirping of crickets outside the shutters and there wasn't any evidence of breakfast being cooked on their stove. Those factors combined made for a sure sign that even where the light shone above ground, the sun hadn't come up yet._

" _I know, Levi, but you can go back to sleep at Miss Emilia's."_

" _Miss Emilia's? So you're having a visitor?"_

 _Levi's voice was heavy with disappointment. He generally loved their little routine - breakfast, tea, cleaning, reading the newspapers they got from the man at the front desk - but as far as he was concerned, the only dark spot were the visitors who came to see his mother. They always came at the most inconvenient times, and they left the room a mess and his mother exhausted. Their arrival also meant that he had to go down the hallway to stay with Miss Emilia, the old maid who swept the hallways and washed the sheets._

" _I am. But this is a visitor I've had before. He's a nice man."_

" _So you won't get hurt when he's here?"_

 _Levi gave his mother a look of guarded uncertainty. Two nights before, when she came to Ms. Emilia's to retrieve him, she had a swollen lip. She had tried to hide it from him, but when he saw the dried blood the next morning, he cried._

" _I told you, love, that was just an accident. Accidents happen."_

 _Levi nodded, but he still didn't feel good. He watched as his mother pulled a small vial out of a dresser drawer and spritzed the inside of each of her wrists and the back of her thick black hair._

" _Are you ready to go see Miss Emilia? I bet she'll have a peppermint for you."_

 _Little Levi nodded wordlessly and took his mother's hand, making sure that his wrist pressed up against hers so he would still be able to smell traces of the sweet, floral smell after he was inundated with the sour lye soap scent at Miss Emilia's._

* * *

"Where did she get _perfume_?"

Eren had intended to remain quiet in the hopes that Levi would keep talking, but he was overcome by shock at the mention of something as luxurious as perfume. He had heard of it before, of course, but typically it was reserved for the wives of merchants and noblemen. It certainly wasn't the type of thing one could buy on a whim from a stall in the marketplace.

Where _had_ Levi come from?

"Don't get too excited," the captain said, sighing. "It was a gift of sorts from her boss. But, like most of the things her boss gave us, it was meant more for the pleasure of her customers than for her."

It took a moment for the meaning of those words to hit home with Eren, but when it did, it was like a bucket of ice cold water had been poured over his head.

"She was…"

"A prostitute. Yes. Not that I was really aware at the time of what she did or that it had a name. It was explained to me later, though, in great detail - when I was still much too young to be hearing it, I might add."

The emotions swirling through Eren's mind were mixed and complicated. He felt terrible pity for Levi and indignation on his behalf, but along with that, he also felt a burning sense of guilt - for more than one reason. First of all, he felt bad for pushing Levi so hard to talk about his childhood, since it was beginning to seem like he had a good reason for neglecting to mention or think about it at length.

Secondly - and even more profoundly - Eren felt a sense of guilt over his own idyllic early years.

Though he had watched his mother die a horrible death, up until that moment, he had been privileged to watch her live a beautiful life. The most trying moments he had seen Carla Yeager face - at least, until _that day_ \- were comparably minor and silly things, like having to re-wash the pants he had muddied after just an hour or two of wear or cutting the burnt edges off a pie crust she had forgotten in the oven.

Eren felt as though he ought to apologize, somehow, but before he could, Levi had spoken up again.

"She was very careful that I was somewhere else when she had a 'guest.' But as careful as she was - and as young as I was - I could still tell that something was wrong. She always seemed so tired after they left, and occasionally her lips would be swollen or there would be marks on her neck. She had an excuse for everything, but I could tell that whatever they were doing wasn't nice."

"Levi, I'm - "

"It wasn't all bad, though - our lives, I mean. She did her best to make my childhood as normal as possible."

* * *

 _As always, after having fallen asleep at Miss Emilia's, Levi awoke back in the room he shared with his mother. He always tried to fall asleep as fast as he could once he was dropped off at the maid's apartment, because it seemed like that sped up the time until he was back home with Mama._

 _Also, as usual, he awoke lying on a single worn quilt stretched across the mattress. The sheets that had been put on the day before had already been stripped off and left in a pile in the corner of the room._

" _Was the man nice?" he asked suddenly, remembering the events of the previous night._

 _His mother turned around, looking momentarily confused. However, she composed herself quickly._

" _Oh - yes. He was nice enough, Levi."_

 _She gave him a smile, but the warmth didn't seem to extend to her eyes._

" _I've made some breakfast, love. Come take a seat at the table."_

 _Yawning and rubbing his eyes, Levi walked over to the small wooden table where his mother had already placed a steaming bowl of porridge. He climbed up in the chair and looked down into his bowl, and as he did, his eyes lit up._

" _Cheese!" he exclaimed in delight. "Where did you get cheese?"_

" _I counted our money last night, and we had a little something left over. I got a couple of surprises from the market early this morning before I picked you up from Miss Emilia's. Eat, sweetheart, before it gets cold."_

 _Levi happily picked up his spoon and dug into the bowl._

" _Is it good?" his mother asked._

" _It's perfect," he replied, his voice muffled around a mouthful of porridge. "Cheese is my favorite."_

 _She laughed._

" _You said yesterday that peppermint was your favorite."_

" _It was," he said, swallowing. "Yesterday."_

* * *

Eren felt a heaviness in the pit of his stomach.

"I never knew any of this about you," he said softly, trying to keep his voice from cracking.

"Well, it's not like hair color or eye color - you can't exactly look at someone and tell from a glance that they were born in a brothel," Levi replied matter-of-factly. "I was only there until I was five, though."

"Is that when…?" Eren's voice trailed off.

"Yes."

* * *

 _When Levi awoke, he knew it wasn't nighttime anymore._

 _The crickets outside were silent, and he could hear voices from the road in front of their building. However, he didn't smell breakfast cooking or hear the usual noise and bustle of Mama bundling up sheets or wiping down counters._

 _Everything was still._

 _Rolling over, he noticed that his mother was still in bed beside him, lying on her side. He could barely see the outline of her dark hair clinging to her forehead, sweaty and unkempt. For the first time, he noticed the sharp outline of her cheekbones and a pair of dark shadows below her eyes._

 _He didn't like the way it made him feel._

" _Mama?" Levi whispered, nudging her gently._

 _Her eyelids fluttered, and she took a deep breath through cracked lips._

" _Yes, sweetheart?"_

" _It's morning, mama. We need to get up and make breakfast."_

" _Let's try to get a little more sleep. I'm still a little tired, but I'll get up soon, sweet Levi."_

 _Levi tried to go back to sleep, but he couldn't. He sat in bed and listened as the sounds on the street outside picked up in volume and then went back down. He heard the sound of people talking - both outside the window and in the hallway beyond their closed door - but the people always moved along and the silence always returned. Eventually the crickets came back… and after awhile, they went away again too. He kept on waiting until Mama said it was time to get up._

 _She didn't._

* * *

"I was told at the time that her liver had failed because she was a drunk," Levi said softly, the sound of his voice suddenly occupying the silence that had previously been filled only by the sounds of their breathing. "But I knew she never drank."

"Then what was it?" Eren asked.

"Oh, it was liver failure. But I found out much later that can be caused by hepatitis, too. And the funniest part - the stupidest part of all - I think it came from the man she told me was nice. That's the last time I remember her being well. But after all, maybe he was nice. Nice enough not to slap her around, just not quite nice enough to warn her that he had a disease that could kill her."

To Eren's horror, Levi started to laugh - a desperate, barking laugh that sounded anything but funny. However, before Eren had time to say anything or even truly react, the laughter had already begun its rapid and startling transformation into tears, falling quick and unexpected on their shared pillow.

"Heichou - _Levi_ ," Eren said helplessly. "I'm… I'm so sorry."

Before either of them could figure out exactly how it had happened, Levi's head was pressed tightly against Eren's chest, the hot tears soaking his bare skin and rolling down in rivulets to dampen the hem of his shorts. Wordlessly, Eren put one hand around Levi's back and wound the other into his hair, pulling him still closer.

"It's okay now," Eren whispered, feeling tears stinging in the back of his own throat. "You don't have to feel badly any more. You can still miss her - you _will_ still miss her - but you don't have to hold onto all this. You've got to let it go somehow."

Levi didn't show any signs of listening or slowing down at first, but finally his muffled voice broke through the silence.

"Everyone I love goes away," he choked out, his face still buried in Eren's chest. "Always. But you can never go away. Ever."

"I'm not going away. I promise."

Eren had responded calmly, but inside, his heart had picked up speed. Though the rest of his body remained still, Levi was held so tightly to his chest that he knew the other man must be able to feel it.

 _If you thought about it the right way, hidden within the words of Levi's plea, there was almost an 'I love you.'_

Beyond the outward-facing wall of their cabin, Eren could just barely hear the sound of crickets.


End file.
